i need a brilliant joke i've not heard before. Positive rep to anyone fulfilling both criteria.

Dance naked like a pig for me and earn rep.

as told to me by a 5 year old:
Why did suzie fall of the swing?
She had no arms.

tynan you never gave me rep the last time so i shall not be doing it this time. :P

Girl at work said to me "Do you fancy entering a marathon?"

I said "Fuck off, no way!"

She said "Oh go on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

I thought "Fuck it, I could win that!"

me: "Have you heard about that hollywood actress that got stabbed yesterday? Reese...Reese someone or other"
her: "Witherspoon?"
me: "No, with a knife of course."

Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?

Actually that's a bit harsh. Fuck it.

Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

The olympic torch relay is finally coming to an end, as the opening ceremony in Beijing approaches...

After they've blown the flame out, Heather Mills wants to know can she now have her leg back.

After taking a car full of kids to accident and emergency with embedded glass and cuts to their foreheads....

I've decided to stop counting how many spastics it takes to change a lightbulb.

and lastly...

A 13 year old Austrian girl wrote to the advice column of a Teenager's magazine.

I am 13 years old and am the only girl in my class who's still a virgin, is my Dad queer?

Seamus O' Malley wanted some landscape gardening work doing, including the removal of a large tree overhsadowing his house, so he calls up a local firm.

Two hours later they arrive and Seamus opens the door to greet them,

"We're Padraig and Diarmuid, the tree fellers"

Seamus looks unimpressed and says

"But thars only two of yers !"'

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in the UK?






Sexy children.

A woman brings eight-year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.


Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them...they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."


"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.


"He's taken her fucking appendix out."

An old lady goes to the doctors. When the doctor asks what is wrong she says, "doc, can you help me? I can't stop farting! Every minute another one slips out. The only good thing is that they are silent and have no smell."
The doc hands her some pills and tells her to take 3 a day for 2 weeks then come back.

After the 2 weeks she returns and says, "doc, I dont know what you gave me but it hasn't stopped me farting, the only thing it's done is made them smell."

The doc replies, "well, now we have your sinuses clear, let's sort out your hearing."

News from Mac rumors:

Reports suggest apple are soon to be bringing out a new music player designed specifically for children. The new device will be similar to a standard iTouch, but will be brightly coloured, more robust and have a more simple user interface.

Early reports suggest the device will be called the iTouch Kids.

Michael Jackson has been linked to a possible sponsorship deal

http://www.apple.com/itouchkids/

already joke thread ;)
http://www.londonfgss.com/thread2551.html

can't beat my donkey one!!

Well I'll post it there too.

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?

Madeline McCanns bike.

What do 9 out 0f 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

What is the worst thing about gang rape?

Waiting your turn.

Platini...that jokes brilliant! :D

very good.

Slowly, passionately our lips met. Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

Thanks - and it's (relatively) clean too...

bear walks into a bar, and says, "I would like a.......................beer."





The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. "Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?."
"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon? says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano".
"Ah", replies the manager, you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little "G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously pat the cheetah.

He's tugging away fevourishly when he hears the managers voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"

He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blond steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in his face and whispers in his ear "Do you know you knob and your bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"




The bloke replies "Know it?




I fucking wrote it"

or "no but if you hum it i'll pick it out as we go along."

What's pink and smells of pork?





Kermit's bellend.

That's some echo you've got there nimhbus, all the way from last April ;-)
http://www.londonfgss.com/thread2551-2.html

well, it's been around a while. i wasn't a forum member last april though, i heard it elsewhere

no worries

bonzer

A man goes for a prostrate examination, and the doctor, fingers deep, feels a bit deeper, pauses, and tells the man. 'I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating sir'

The man turns his head, worried, and says, 'Oh my God! whats wrong?'

The doctor Says 'we'll I'm trying to examine you, and it's really quite disturbing'

why does barbie never get pregnant?




because ken always comes in a different box.