A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there's nobody there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there's another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there's no one standing there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

I'll get me coat........

That joke is sampled on the first track on the awesome 'Weekend' album by Skinny.

I like it.

(The album, not the joke. That's shit.)

Q: what do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A: a wonky

Q: what do you call a 3 legged donkey with only 1 eye
A: a winky wonky

Q: what so you call a 3 legged donkey with 1 eye, who can play the guitar/piano
A: a honky tonky winky wonky

thats actually funny

oh btw dale i need to fit my cranks can i get the tool off of ya soon, and do i need to grease the BB up before hand (i'm crap at bike building)

anytime dude. yeah got a tub of white grease, you can borrow as well

Q: whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
a: stephen hawking in a house fire

check out arrospoks

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he
Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone. Again, he
Hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
At the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
Cup.. He is shocked. He says
To the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
Man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
Man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say. By the end
Of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
Asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says, "OK frog, now
What?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
Approaching the roulette table, The man
Asks, "What do you think I should
Bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
Buys the best room in the
Hotel. He sits the frog down and
Says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss! Me."

He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for
Him, he deserves it. With a
Kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that,
Your honor, is how the girl
Ended up in my room. So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

ha ha - if only i had a good joke to tell

maybe specialized langster

you do realize you are on the Internet.......google 'joke'

thats cheating

there ya go....that was funny.

did you hear about the quadraplegic juggler?

he dropped all the quadraplegics.

"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."

A poor woman just can't seem to do anything about the terrible stench of her mott, so she goes to see a specialist.

After a minute or so's rummaging around down there, the doctor says, "Aha! I think I see what the problem is. Just bear with me a moment, won't you?"

He goes out of the room and, a few minutes later, he comes back in brandishing a long wooden pole with a hook on the end of it.

"Wait," cries the poor woman, a little panicked now. "What are you going to do with that??"

"I'm going to open the window," replies the doctor. "It fucking stinks in here."

A girl goes up to her dad and says:

"Daddy daddy can i get a Barbie doll??"

Daddy replies "Only if you suck my dick darling!"

Disgusted the girl walks away, but soon returns again:

"Daddy daddy can i get a Barbie doll??"

Daddy replies "Baby girl, only if you suck my dick"

Appauled, the girl turns around, but once again soon returns

"Daddy! Please please please can i get a Barbie Doll?"

Daddy points to his groin and the girl, fully defeated unzips her dads flies and gets busy

"Whoah daddy! Your dick tastes like shit!"

Daddy replies "Well, earlier on your baby brother asked for a new bicycle"




sorry.

i went to the bookstore to by my girlfriend a present. i found a cheap and easy vegeterian cook book. It was a great buy, as my girlfriend is vegeterian and.............................

A bloke goes home to his wife with a duck under his arm, and says "This is the pig that I fuck when I'm not with you"

His wife says "It's not a pig, it's a duck.!


He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."

two irishmen walking through a swamp when they see a guy half eaten by a crocodile, only his head still pokes out.


The first says to the second. "look at that flash cunt with his lacoste sleeping bag."

chug that joke is wrong! but funny.

Q: whats the difference between a woman and a oven
A: the oven doesn't fart when you take the meat out?

What's Amy Winehouse' favourite tube station..

High Barnet.

barking?

Hahaha!

Two ladies are standing outside a dress shop.

One nudges the other and say 'Look, there: that's the one I'd get'

The door opens and a cyclops comes out and punches her...

Whats the Incredible Hulks' favourite tube station

Turnham Green..

*getting coat now*

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

One for the chemistry students:

Two hyrdrogen atoms walking down the street. The first one stops. "I think I've lost an electron," he says.

"Are you sure?" says the second.

"I'm positive."

Boom boom.

you can play that spice girls song now.

Well, if offensive jokes are allowed:


What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The little girl in Gary Glitter's basement.

what do you call a fanny in a straight jacket??

a mad cnut.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Bit of both, this is a rape.

woman runs into a police station shouting "grape grape grape' the policeman says dont you mean rape? she says no there was a bunch of them?

Why does Gary Glitter like twenty-seven-year-olds?

Because there are twenty of them.

George W.Bush and Dick Cheney are watching Fox News in the Oval Office when the newscaster announces that four Brazillian soldiers were killed by a carbomb in Iraq.

Bush drops to the floor, crying out in anguish, then rushes into a side room, locking the door behind him. Cheney approaches the door, knocks lightly and says 'Dubya, are you ok?'

Bush sobs heavily from behind the door but, after a couple of minutes he emerges, pale as a ghost and still wiping tears from his eyes. He sits down, closes his eyes for a moment and asks: 'Ok, Dick. How many millions are there in a Brazillian?'