what are the similarities between george micheal and wellington boots?









they both get sucked off in bogs..

how do you stop a baby from choking?

take your d**k out of its mouth

removed

ohhhh low!

.

How do you fit four gay guys on a chair?

turn the chair upside down



Four gay guys in a hot tub and a condom floats up to the top. What do they say?

who farted??


Whats worse than finding a dead baby on your bed?

the slow realization of you making love to it the night before

Did you all hear the latest story about madeline mcann??

she didnt....

Here is a good one:

Whats the difference between my bike and madeline mcann?

my bike doesnt cry when i ride it

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. She's already been told twice.

whats the worst part about having sex with a three year old?
hearing the pelvic bone snap.

what do you call a woman with one black eye?
a bad listener
what do you call a woman with two black eyes?
a bad learner

What was the three bollocked Russian called?

Mr Whodyounickabollockoff

what do you call a baby with a broken jaw?

massive deep throat.




whats worse than letting michael jackson babysit your kids?

Letting Ian Huntley give them a bath..

whats worse than that?

letting kate and gerry mcann take them on holiday

can we stop it with the paedo jokes - ta.

Yeah paedo jokes are off limits

what about me and aidans sister/mum jokes?

still ok...although my sister is 5

This isn't real but still funny....

Transcript of discussion between the US Navy and the British from October 2005 released by the MOD under the freedom of information act.

BRITISH: To avoid collision please divert your course 15' South
U.S: Suggest you divert your course 15' North
BRITISH: Negative divert YOUR course 15' South to avoid collision
U.S: This is the captain Divert YOUR course 15' North to avoid collision.
BRITISH: Negative divert your course 15' South to avoid colision.
U.S: This is the captain of the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, we are the 2nd largest ship in the US Fleet and are accompanied by two destoyer. I demand that you divert your course 15' North to avoid collision or we will be forced to launch couner measures to protect the ship and it's crew.
BRITISH: This is a Lighthouse, your call.

And another, think it's Tommy Cooper

""I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any"

Frank Carson(I think?)

'Went into a hardware store the other day, says to the fella - "You got a box of nails?"

He says "Yeah, how long do you want 'em?"

I says "I wanna keep 'em!"

Either it's from this ad, or they got it from the same place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U33Xg91HAlo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPrm6luPmME

longest joke that has never made any one laugh

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where is my tractor?



whats easier to move a truck full of bricks or a truck full of babies?

Babies you can use a pitchfork.


how do you know your sisters bleedin?

your dads cock taste like blood.

I like the one about the donkey ;)

A man has a swishy cocktail bar and, looking to hire a pianist,.he gets a bloke in who`s got Tourette’s, he says that he can play, classics, blues, jazz, " And I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well
He plays this really haunting gentle piece. "What do you call that?" asks the owner

The smell of my wife’s cunt, here’s another fucker."
And it`s another great piece of music, "That was: my cock`s up your arse, now wriggle bitch," and so on.

He was the best, so good that the owner reluctantly takes him on, but on condition he doesn`t speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with the clientele. It works well and trade is up.

One night he can see a girl facing him, short skirt and no knickers, and after a half hour of looking up seeing that he gets so horny he takes a break to have a wank.

He takes a while, and with no music playing, the bar manager starts looking for him. He bashes on the toilet door, saying: "Get out there and play now or you don`t get paid for tonight."

He rushes it, goes back and starts playing.

One of the waiters sees he hasn`t zipped up and rushes over: "Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock`s hanging out and there are cum stains all down your leg?"

"Know it, do I know it? I wrote the fucker."

Taxi for Platini.

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back.'

The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.'

A duck walks into a cosmetics store and asks for some lipstick. Girl behind the counter replies "sure, I'll put it on your bill."

Heavy session last night, I drunk 10 pints of yoghurt.... woke up this morning and I was still well mullered!

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

haaaaaahaaaa^^^^^^^^^^^

why did the baker have brown hands?

he kneaded a poo

why does captain kirk's wife smell?

cos william SHAT-ner

Q: what do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A: nacho cheese.

My girlfriend asked me to give her nine inches and make her bleed.

So I shagged her three times and punched her

what do you call a vegan who wanks?

non-dairy creamer

dear oh dear guys.